insecure

When he said I needed assurance and craved affirmation, he was right. Maybe that's why I never do the things I want, maybe that's why I do what others would accept because I wanted their acceptance. I wanted them to like me. I tried, God knows I've tried, tried a hundred million times but in the end, it didn't help. It felt like I tried too much, so much so that it made things worse.

What people deem as a safe question to ask: How are things?
Things? What sort of things? Do you mean life? School? If so, I could tell you a billion things that things are not fine. Things suck. Things are screwed up beyond belief. Things are out of my control and I hate everything. I wished I could get away from it all but why am I telling you this? To gloss over all the unhappiness in life, oh sure, everything's OK. OK? I mean definitely better. That seems to satisfy them. Them and their oh-so-peachy lives. How nice.

It's been a year and sure, on the surface, things seem to be better. Definitely on the surface. It's a kind of shallow, forced, co-existence that I am trying hard to keep afloat. I'd think that if I didn't try as hard as I did, every single fucking day, things would have gone back to square 1. Oh yes definitely. I suppose they're right. It's me. It's always me. When something doesn't go right, it's my fault. Always my fucking fault. Why? Because I'm messed up. I'm not a good girl, I'm not your idea of a perfect friend. I don't make a good friend. I'm a bad influence, I'm evil. Others can't stand to be with me because I make them feel uncomfortable. I make myself uncomfortable being with them. I try to make them like me, I try to convince myself that yes, I like them but NO, I don't think they do and I don't think I do either. I convince myself as well as I convince others. Not very well at all. I guess that's another career path eliminated. That sure narrows down plenty of options. I wonder why things are so trying. I thought after that horrible horrible year, things will be better when I left that life behind but no, it got worse. When things get worse, they can only get worse. For others, perhaps it gets better. For ages, I believed that. I believed that if I had faith in that vision, if I just believed maybe things will get better. Well once and for all, I'm telling you I have lost that faith. Sure if you ask me, I can speak chapters about how things are meant to happen and all that fucked up crap but do I believe it? I don't give a toss now. Begging your pardon but that's all fucked up crap meant to fool little children. I want to believe but a year, 2 years, 3, that's too much to keep on believing. So just drop it alright. Screw it.
I know it's hard to pretend you like me. I know I'm annoying and irritate the hell out of you every time you see me. Sure if it makes you happy, you can stay mad at me since you're always angry with me. I don't mind. Really. I don't mind. I just don't want you to ignore me or dislike me. Don't dislike me please. Don't. I need your presence. I can't be all alone and pretend I don't care. I want you all to like me but I can't bring myself to rise up to the occasion. It's not me. I want people to understand but I can't find it within myself to give them a chance. I try to advise people when I have that many problems myself. I suppose everyone believes they've got it the worst. I'm not gonna tell them that it's not always about them because I know what it feels like to have problems. There's no point telling them that kids in Africa are starving. For once, just once, just listen. If you have nothing to say, no advice to give, at least listen without being judgemental. That's the most you can do. Trust me, this little thing, not everyone can do it. Most people say insensitive things which makes a lot of sense to them but comes out all wrong.

It's the little things in life that matter the most. To you, it may be little but to me, it means the whole world. I need affirmation, I need people to show that they care. It's the little things I crave that never ever comes. I guess I just have to deal with shallow relations then. For people to like me more, is that too much to ask? Do I have to be a mannequin, all fake and perfect, just so they'll like me? I know you think I'm majorly insecure but I just need you to care. I pretend I don't care when they gloss over me. In fact, I care. I care alot alot alot like my life depended on it. It hurts to care. That's why I force myself to look away so that I don't have to bother. If I start to care, I'm afraid I'll be disappointed again. When you start to care so much, you're so easily disappointed and hurt. All that disappointment will then translate into anger and hatred. If I didn't bother so much, I wouldn't hate you so much. I wouldn't get angry with you. Only if I said I won't bother about all these things anymore, perhaps I can break away from it.

I really treasure the few people whom I can really get along with. What happens if one day, it turns out that I've trusted them wrongly. I hope not. If you wanted to annoy me with the things you say and do, you've failed. So there.
When people take the initiative to be nice to me, I'll really be nice to them. It's very silly actually but it's a character thing. Many a times, my returning their kindness comes across all wrong. Probably because to me, it's a big thing but to them, it's nothing. Oh well, life's like that. Things happen when you least expect them to. Typical to get so tearful about them. You're really crazy.